Dear Seroquel

Dear Seroquel,
I miss those nights where I am awake,
Listening to the house breathing,
With millions thoughts flooding my mind,
You've got my hands tied.

I miss those days with bursts of energy,
Where sleep aren't as important as overthinking,
Where imagination were escapism from the real world,
But I've got none of those anymore.

I miss those productive nights,
Quiet and peaceful,
Where my thoughts are equations,
But I can't solve any no more.

I miss those emotional nights,
Nights I can write about
To untangle these wires of emotions
That I can barely explain.

Dear Seroquel,
This might be a goodbye,
I thank you for those stable days and nights,
And proveable improvements.

Farewell my friend.

Mingling in Soil

Brush your fingers over my eyes,
Close them as they will not blink again,
Caress my mouth close,
As sounds will not emit no more.

Clean and wash me till I clean,
As I go to my new home,
Sing me the songs of prayer,
Spreading warmth amongst the soil

Once in a while think of me,
And my whereabouts,
Repent after you see me,
As your turn is in line.

Pray for me,
Always.

Love in Doubt

Oh, it's you again
The one who makes me doubt,
Haunting my heart
With just a thought of you.

Say a little more
While my heart blooms
With beautiful and colourful flowers
Accompanied by rainbows and butterflies.

I don't know what you do,
But warmth fills the garden,
And to my body
As the thought of you reach me.

It has always been you.

Crying Souls

She might have clenched her jaw too hard,

He might have beads of sweat on his forehead,

She might have tears reaching her cheeks

And he might have created a damp pillow from his tears.

These crying souls,

Screaming for help in silence.

We lost our voices and energy

Waiting to sink ourselves in the water.

We waited for the bubbles to resurface

As we let go of everything,

Everything we never had,

And wish to have.

But we wake up,

We smiled our way through,

Dreading every minute of misery

Of living.

I wish we could stop having these clouds of thoughts

But I know it came to stay in us,

As much as I try to flush it away

It clung to me, grow onto me.

It is me, it is us.

HOME

I am left to dust

And before I turned into one,

You came back

And light me up.

Am I a home to you?

You seem to always crawl back
Waiting for me to embrace you
Whenever worries and sadness swallow you.

Do I seem easy to you?

Because it's so easy for you to leave me

And return whenever you need me

After a very long awful silence.

But

How long should I be your home?

Can I finally leave?

The roof is leaking,

The walls are cracking.

The next time you are home, 

There will be no flowers blooming for you

Or bright colours of the walls waiting for you 

Just a dusty dirty old house.

Waiting for you to come back.

Hot Bath

I finally entered the door,

It was knocked,

Calling me.

It's my time to go

After all the cuts and bruises,

I opted for another option

Holier than blood dripping

Hoping the sin is less severe.

Left and right,

What are my chances, really?

I went in,

And boiled myself.

Except I wasn't boiling, 

And that was an exaggeration,

It was the hottest water that was supplied,

Warming me up.

I wanted to see how much heat I could deal,

Skin is pink,

And that is rare

It's a new achievement.

I could feel the heat prickling me

Like heated needles,

Until it stopped

And i got used to the heat.

I wish I have a blade.

Farewell, 2018 and Happy New Year, 2019

First of all, happy new year or as snow would say it, Happy meow year (this does not make sense).

2018 was really a challenging year, it was one of the longest year despite it coming and ending in a swift. It really felt as if I was living in 2018 for two years.

In other words, 2018 was insanely tough. I learnt a lot of things about life, truth and friendship. It sure was tiring, 2019 feels like a year to recover from all that. The funny thing is, apart from getting older (I am old), I didn't feel anything as 2019 approached. I was pretty chill and not excited about it at all because part of me know that getting excited about it is probably a waste of time as things will turn down side again this year like any other year. Happiness is truly uncertain as tests in life drop like bombs.

A little highlight of 2018, I get to know really beautiful people whom I call friends. I was able to differentiate those who doesn't understand the meaning of friend (I reckon them to buy a dictionary) and duh, I met friends, friends who would go miles for me down the rocky road. Thanks to Pagoh (I really do not want to praise Pagoh), I got closer to my course mates, if it was not for Pagoh, I would probably be lone ranger like I was back then in Gombak. Anyways, they are a bunch of sweethearts, really. I am thankful for them, so blessed.

I went through almost three months of internship and met more people. I was pushed to go beyond my comfort zone and I am thankful to my supervisor and her executives for that, for always giving me endless support even when I am dumb.

Two of my siblings got married and yay, I have a new brother and a sister. Not thrill about it at first cause I love my my siblings too much, it was hard letting them go (Clingy, I know. They're equally clingy too). Thanks to my their wedding, I get to practice more of my management skills.

Speaking of that, 2018 is the year I joined loads of programs, I almost died from lack of sleep, being sick and also late night meetings. I was given the chance to co-lead a team and boy, I was blessed with the best team. Our team was somehow supervised by a strict lecturer, who was really strict back then, I was so scared of her that I attended all of her classes but she had taught me a lot by being herself. Thank you for the opportunity, madam. I was also, initially was under a supervisor for my final year project but because I had no progress (there were complications) and probably I was not as committed as the rest, I was let go. She's a really great lecturer, who had shown me so much love (and darn everyone who booked her as well cause you took my supposedly spot, hehe). Although it was not exactly a rejection, I cried for two days and currently, still bitter because I wanted to be under her supervision so bad. Maybe, there's a silver lining.

I went to the hospital once in every two months, knowing the truth about my behaviour and myself. I am glad I know myself better, in a way. I am grateful I have supportive family, especially my parents and my sister who were always there to keep tabs on me, also my friends who reacted as if nothing happens cause, I just need to feel normal and not defined by what is said about me. It was a crazy August 2018, there were a lot of blood, more than usual but I have a lot of people with me. I am fine.

I went travelling pretty frequent in 2018.

Basically, 2018 taught me love, one taught me has taught me a lot, it was truly a year of learning. Through betrayal and beautiful friendships, self-enhancement through programs and events, supportive humans who made me wanting to die less (and slightly guilty of killing myself and omg, don't want to end up in neraka).

2019, what can you offer?