A fool's struggle

"One for sorrow, two for joy"

(Choux Pastry Heart by Corinne Bailey Rae)

It was these few nights ago where the moon owned us.

I was alone and wondering,
wondering of possibilities, questions of faith.

It has been a year where I have sunk in low,
beneath layers of darkness,
it was the longest out of all.
where I thought I was living only for the sake of living.
If I were to fade away, I would end in hell.

I began to understand atheist as questions flooded my mind,
why was life so unfair?
Why was I given such fate?
Why was I living in such a way?

I lost hope,
I lost trust.
but there was still a part of me believing,
a small part that had been in me from my family.

I began to relate myself with most of the songs I listened to,
the stories told by twenty one pilots,
the lines written by Brendon Urie,
the emotions shared by the Neighbourhood.

I filled my head with these songs,
as I wept alone when everyone was resting,
I held on to these songs when everyone left me,
as if they were my only companion.

I write as if I could fix my life,
I read as if it could distract me from reality,
I indulged myself with games
but something was still missing.

Some tried to bring me out,
but I was so comfortable being in my bubble,
where I thought I was safe from every form of harm.

I knew what I had to do,
but I thought I was worthless even to the one we shouldn't doubt.
so I went on and on in my bubble,
indulging myself more into it until it blinded my eyes.

I was also afraid,
I was afraid of getting hurt,
I didn't trust anyone, not even myself.
So I stayed being like that.

____________________________________

A week ago, I was in class.
we were studying about Islam and knowledge.
we were asked a question, a question relating knowledge in the perspective of Islam.
I couldn't relate at all which made me concluded that I was so secular.

but knowing that, I was still stubborn with my belief,
which was foolish of me.

________________________________________


I was alone,
but the breeze pulled me outside as I paused my writing session.
I looked at the moon, it was mesmerizing that I was so distracted when I wanted to continue my writing.

How the clouds moved, how the moon was on it's own.
I was like that for hours.

"MasyaAllah"

I blurted out, It wasn't on purpose but it somehow felt right.With that, I realized I had been a fool of ignoring signs that had been showed to me. I was stupid for thinking how my life was unfair. I was stupid for questioning myself in the first place.

_______________________________________


To be honest, I still couldn't find any purpose of living (unless you count the textbook answer),
I don't know how long will this last this time. I am still lost, I am still trying to find myself but let's just leave it to God.