Quiet Sufferings

I used to think, offering help, even if it is rejected, was enough. I would say, I tried to help her and she didn't want it so, she is asking for it. I realized that I was so insensitive for someone who craved for help. It is, unfortunately ironic. 

But now, I'd say, I might understand how she felt. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed with very supportive family and a large group of friends who would tell me that I could talk to them all the time. This made me realized that my surroundings weren't really the problem here. It is me. 

I have to say, I don't love myself. I feel people hating me even if they are close to me. I feel it all the time. As silly as it sounds, the world could be greener without me. My family and friends would have filled their hours with laughter instead of worrying and listening to me. 

"Why didn't you tell me?", "What didn't you call?", or even a simply "are you okay?" can't help me. I feel empty, emotional, strange, angry, numb and confused. I am consumed by my emotions. I love my family and friends, really and I appreciate every bit of their existence but it is like I cannot be fixed. 

I can talk to you normally now, even layer the conversation with a laugh but in the end, I am still me. I got the chance to talk to someone tonight. Honestly, it is awkward to talk to someone on the phone but it was so comforting. As soon as the conversation ends, I am back to being me, I felt the comforting blanket swept away from me and naturally, I began to cry a few tears, my heart ached and I am dying to just sleep.

I wish conversations, be it on the phone, be it with my roommates or sister, never ends. I have to grow up and be independent, but I don't know whether I can make it. I've been alone for a long time and even surrounded by these angels, I still feel lonely. I still couldn't figure myself out. 

I hope I am getting answers tomorrow. 

Thank you and I hope your day is better than mine.